You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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