This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
