so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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