I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
