Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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