In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
