Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
honey bunches of taint.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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