Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
