Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
