Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
