i love accidental penises.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
