Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
