Where did you get a picture of my penis
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
