Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
