Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
