We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
