I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
