It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
