the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
