Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
