Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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