I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize