Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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