walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize