we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
