I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize