my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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