seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
