I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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