Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize