Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
