what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
