Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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