yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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