Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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