I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
