I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
