Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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