He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
