i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
