The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
