This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found the puke drawer
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
