you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
