Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think my moral compass just broke
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
