I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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