I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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