maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Is it because I queefed?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
