The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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