OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize