She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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