filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
