I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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