I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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