i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
