I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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