my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
