another moral hangover. fuck.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
