I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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