so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
