I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
