first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The uberlube is also flammable
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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