Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
They have beer where we have blood.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
