I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
