Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
