I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
