If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
