This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
