first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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