EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
