i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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