My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
