wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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