im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
