I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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