my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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