Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize